do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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