girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
