I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
