if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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