I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
