I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
