some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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