sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
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