i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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