I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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