Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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