I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
