I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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