He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
