i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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