On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
