I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
