Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
