Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
