Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
