I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
