Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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