Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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