i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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