Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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