shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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