he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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