I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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