i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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