Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
