2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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