If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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