he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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