The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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