Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
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Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
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HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
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