you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
