Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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