Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
