i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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