I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
