I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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