I hate your face
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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