I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Randomize
