I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
