she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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