Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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