Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
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