i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
