Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
