so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
