You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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