look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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