Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
