i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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