i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
