you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
